Overwhelmed

Not so long ago, I was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. It's an anxiety disorder that basically means that how I perceive the world by my senses is out of whack from the average person. This comes out, for me, in a number of different ways - things like background noise really impairs my ability to focus, so if there's music on in the car or lots of people talking at a party, I have a hard time having conversations, it's not impossible, but it takes incredible mental effort to do so. There are other things like I have a hard time judging where my body is in space, so learning to do yoga or pilates or even dance steps is difficult and I take forever to do it.  Seriously, it took me something like 45 minutes to learn the simple grapevine!

There are a bunch of other ways I'm outta whack. Last night, though, was probably the first time since I was diagnosed that I really SAW how SPD really overwhelms my system.  Here's what happened:

I was tired from a few nights of not sleeping well, and decided to make a simple supper of roast and potatoes. It's simple 'cause I can just throw it together than toss it in the oven.  The house was heating up from the oven, and the smell from the meat cooking was pretty powerful.  The girls have been sick for a while, and where extra whiny and in tears over small things.  The majority of my senses were being assaulted, and my body was kicking into fight/flight stage - my anxiety was on the rise. The thing is, I didn't realize it. I was busy with supper and the kids and getting ready for an appointment. By the time I  ate supper I was beat. I was starting to mentally withdraw, so S graciously let me go lay down for a while. I got a little better, but still was out of sorts.
We got into our new car and things got a bit worse. Since we aren't used to the new systems, the driving wasn't as smooth as usual, so now over stimulating my vestibular system.  It was insane. When we got to where we were going, I was experiencing nausea and a tension headache from trying to keep it together while my body felt like it was under full attack.

I made it through the appointment, and back into the car. It was a better, less stimulating ride home, so I had enough capacity left to bid our friend who was watching our kids  goodbye.  After a short conversation, I was done. I was beyond done. I pulled on a super heavy hoodie and turned out the lights and went to bed, praying for my body to let go of the stress and release my head from the death which was my headache.

It was only in the car on the way home that I even clued in to what was causing all of the symptoms. Once I did I tried to the different things that you are supposed to calm your body, but I was a bit too far gone to recooperate fully.

Today, I'm still feeling the aftershocks while trying to keep the rest of our family life under control.  It's hard, but I'm thankful for the grace that God has given me and my husband to deal through this. Being diagnosed has been both the most relieving and damning thing I've experienced. It means I'm not crazy when loud noise turns to static in my head and I can't understand what's happening, it just means that my senses are overwhelmed. It also means that my body is deficient. It's a kind of handicap, really. It means I have to plan well for certain situations and avoid others (like concerts, for instance) all together.

It really reminds me, most of all, that our human condition is deficient. We need help to be whole. We might not know that we are deficient, but when we find out that we are and do the right things (ie. asking for redemptive forgiveness), life opens up in marvelous ways we never could have imagined in our previous state.

Knowing and dealing with SPD has and will be hard, but it is going to make a huge difference in my and my family's life!


If you remember, pray for us!

XO,
J

SDG