Baking Days!

Yesterday, the day before, and probably tomorrow are baking days!  With Christmas coming up, and our budget tight,  cookies and other eatables are going in packages tied up with string. (if you're on our list, please at least try to act surprised :D )

Thanks to Pintrest, I'm straying from some of my family traditional cookies of thimble cookies or Russian tea cakes. This years theme seems to be oranges and chocolate!  First up is the chocolate cookies from Sprinkle Bakes (here is the recipeYum! )  They are a little time intensive with all of the chilling, but it is worth it for keeping the shape crisp!  The baking of these is done, and the first steps of decorating complete! (the pictures at the bottom are steps one and two) ...I cheated a little bit, though. I realized that doing the double batch of these babies was going to either kill my hand with piping and take WAY too much time! SO! I dipped the tops in the left over syrup from the candied orange peel (oops, getting ahead of myself) and then dipped those in sugar - they are super pretty - they sparkle like fresh snow!

Next is going to be these!! The candied orange peel chocolate cookies look fantastic, don't they?! I made the candied orange peel yesterday with a trial run of lemon the day before. It really wasn't hard as I thought it would be - just lots of boiling and pouring off bitter water. The little jeweled slices are now ready to be chopped up and put into the cookie batter!  The leftovers will most likely be dipped in chocolate - yum! I've always been a fan of candied citrus peel...as long as it's done well and not TOO bitter..then yuck :(

I think I might also make some gingerbread men (or gnomes :] ) so I can decorate them with my kids, but we'll have to see how that goes. Little Red got her soothers taken away this last weekend and it has been a super traumatic experience for her. Poor thing was really attached to them, and has shown her displeasure by screaming...and screaming...and screaming. The lack of sleep has made me feel kind of out of control - so to attempt some measure of control - I decided to bake :)  The chaos of kids decorating might negate the delicate balance of feeling out of control vs. the feeling of controlled productivity. It's looking pretty good, though - we're starting to get a little bit more sleep!

Fudge will be made, too.  This is more for my father-in-law. He really likes it, and we'll put some of the surplus in our other cookie packages. It might end up being chocolate orange too, but who knows? I like messing around with fudge flavours - we might do hazelnut or almond raisin or, or, orrrr chili and cinnamon! The possibilities are pretty much endless.


Here's the pictures, as promised:

chocolate sugar cookies with their royal icing ring

same cookies, now with the middles flooded :)

Are you doing any baking?
xo,
J

soli deo gloria

This Cup of Coffee

On my windowsill is sitting an seemingly innocuous mug of coffee. It's in a lovely mug from a friend who visited me on campus in years gone by. It's cooling at an alarming rate next to the frigid glass.

This cup is accompanied by songs from White Christmas playing in the background. It is also enjoying the sight of a baby sitting up by herself playing with her own toys!

This cup of coffee is erasing last night.  Last night S and I were up too many times to count. A scream here, and tooth not coming through there. It was just a miserable night.  I'm hoping that this little (or rather big) mug of coffee will help me make it through a few more hours without bleary eyes and foggy brain.

This cup of coffee has a lot to ease.  Maybe I'm setting it up to fail. Perhaps I need to set it back on the stove and rethink it's goals. Perhaps it needs to be rewarmed, refreshed, and re-sugared.

Maybe my cup of coffee needs to be drunk the way it is and appreciated for it can do :)

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

On My Mind

Lately, there has been much on my mind. There has been much sorrow that I have been made aware of. There have been many attempts at articulating the noise in my brain.

But that's just it - it feels like noise. There isn't a melody or even a honking car.  It sounds similar to the white-noise machine that helps our family sleep. Static. Nothing so clear as to know what it is, but still dull and loud enough to drown out most else.

Through this chaotic roar, I have found the overwhelming desire to create - to give words or ideas to this noise - to bring some kind of order to it. I've written. I've dabbled with paint. I've sung. I've baked. Nothing was really tuning the static.

Yesterday, I started a new book.  It's called 'A Different Kind of Perfect".  It brought such a startling clarity that I found that if I really engaged with what I was reading tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. It was crazy, instead of trying to articulate myself, this book gave a crystal clear voice.

Originally, when I was handed the book, I kind of brushed it off. It was touted as something that 'might, potentially, COULD be helpful.' Ha. So far, it has been excellent. It is real stories of families with kids who are a-typical mixed in with psychological explanations and personal experiences from the author.

The dull roar is lessening - it's becoming more of a fog, but that just might be due to lack of sleep and running out of coffee beans :)

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

A Sane Day

These last few weeks have been insane for my little family.

We are a combined family of Americans and Canadians, so we had the pleasure of celebrating American Thanksgiving on Thursday and then, following my family tradition, putting up our Christmas decor on Friday.

We also had the pleasure of hosting some of our dearest friends during the same time. We had grand times of hanging out, eating together, watching movies, playing games, just being friends. It was wonderful and needed.

With the busyness of the weekend, the littles were out of sorts. Actually, I think that 'out of sorts' is an understatement. Meltdowns and upsets were (and still kind of are) what we're working around. Little Red is pushing through her two year molars, which is not fun. Little Bird is pushing through her first teeth. All of the teeth together have made for some nights where sleep was just a dream. 

It hasn't all been kicks and giggles, but there has been some major lessons being relearned...for me. I need to prioritize. Is laundry the thing to be done, or an elaborate meal? The meal, for me, is much more fun and satisfying to do, but laundry is necessary (especially if I want my kids to not wear shorts out in -42!!). I'm also realizing that resting and resetting can be just as important, or even sometimes MORE important than the stacks of dishes. The dishes will always be there, but a happy momma/wife who is willing to engage and build up relationships is always better. ..(though there does have to be a balance, no?)

Last night we were only up 4 times with the kids. It felt glorious to have more than an hour at a time of sleep! I've been able to finish some of the last touches on our tree, drink a cup of coffee, and play with my kiddos. It's amazing how rest changes our ability to be!


Hope you are keeping warm this frigid day!

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

When Enough Is Not Enough

After I wrote yesterday's post, I continued to stew over the idea. I came to the conclusion that sometimes enough is not enough.

Sometimes we really do need to step up and champion a cause or a movement or an ideal or perhaps even a revolution.

God has gifted us with different interests and desires. He's given us different giftings and abilities. We must use them - not enough, but to their fullest. We cannot let good be the killer of best.

For me, this looks like so many different things. I've changed my beauty routine completely and had started a blog about how to rid ourselves of toxic things. It was a grand exercise in bringing awareness. The thing is, it came to an end. I've made the changes, they aren't monumental any more. I'm still always on the lookout for things that are toxin-free or less toxic and enjoy talking about them or sharing them.

In that same vein, I have stepped back and we try to eliminate all processed food from our diet. I make almost everything from scratch. It cuts back on added preservatives and crazy non-digestibles (like cellulose) and keeps my family healthier. (though, if you were to check out my menu tonight it would be a huge contradiction - perogies  and sausage [though the sausage is from my in-laws and made from wild meat])

More recently, S and I are becoming aware of fair trade foods and clothing and other ethical purchases we can make. We're starting to make decisions based around whether the thing we need is a necessity or commodity or an extravagance. It's not easy. We're still learning. We're also learning about how to talk about the choices we make with other people and not be silent.

Another one is understanding and compassion for those with kids who are atypical. This one is super new, but so close to home we cannot ignore it.

There are other issues that touch my heart but do not have the wherewithal or the platform to do much else besides pray and support in those ways. Those are the Enough is Enough category.

Everyone's categories are different, but everyone has the categories. I'm big on potential and potential realized. I really want to be able to talk through or help out how I can. I really REALLY want to see people, in God's strength, moving forward and doing more than enough.


xo,
J

soli deo gloria

When Enough is Enough

Often times I'm struck with how God works on people. I just finished a book called 'Lucky'. It was about the beatitudes and framing them around the word lucky (as the author explains that is how it is in the Greek) - For example, How lucky are you who mourn, for you will be comforted.  Interesting how it kind of changes the perspective, eh?

One of the last chapters talked a ton about social justice and how it needs to be based around something, not just 'morals'. It was a great eye widener. How often do we impose our morals on others? ...and the thing is, where do those morals come from? For the most part, I would say mine are biblical, but they have a huge healthy dose of North American culture.

As I hinted in my last post, social justice has been percolating in my head for quite some time. S graciously listened to me passionately rant and talk and cry and so on for a couple of hours last Sunday. There are so many issues in our sick world: the sex trade, poverty, rampant disease, racism, greed/gluttony pushing sales, etc. 

So many of those issues though are related. For example, (I know I'm over-simplifying) disease and poverty.  In cases of extreme poverty where there is lack of clean water, disease is often extremely prevalent. I listed to a TED talk about diarrhea once - it claimed that it is the number one or two killer in the entire world. Isn't that crazy?! It's a symptom of a much greater issue, a canary in a huge mine, if you will.

Talking about these issues doesn't do anything to rectify them.  Bringing awareness is great, but again, doesn't really do anything. Educating the masses is the same.  What changes things? I submit that these things along with personal choice does change things.

Enter "Enough Is Enough". It is an idea.  It asks the question 'is enough, enough?' Is what we have on our plate at supper time enough, or too much? Do we have enough clothing, or too little, or too much? Is the time we spend online enough, or too much? Are we giving enough? Are we sleeping enough? Are we praying enough? Is our level of global awareness enough?

You get the picture. It is simply the first question. It's not the answer to all of these social justice issues. It is, though, something each and every one of us can do. When we live within our means, let our awareness change our action, and actively look for the next step, we can actually address that which is unbecoming in our world.

For me, this is changing so much of what I think about and do. Am I closing my computer enough? Ha - no. Can I start? Yes. Am I exercising enough? Almost. Can I do more? Yeah, if I get off the computer ; ) .  That's just the beginning!

How about you? When is enough, enough?

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

In Sickness and In Health

The last few days I have been flat out.  It has been a rough time full of kleenex, fevers, and tears. The oldest of my kids seemed to get a lighter version and has already bounced back, me, on the other hand, still have sniffles and aches.

S and I did not have traditional wedding vows. We didn't do the whole 'have and to hold...in sickness and in health..' Yet, this weekend, S stuck by me. He suggested baths, brought me advil, and made sure we had enough tissues in the house. He also started laundry, watched Disney movies with the kids, and listened to my tear-filled passionate diatribe about injustice.

While we didn't vow about sickness and in health, here are our vows:

S:
I, S, take you, J, to be my wedded wife. With deepest joy I receive you in my life that together we may be one. As is Christ to His body, the church, so I will be to you a loving and faithful husband. Always will I perform my headship over you with my deepest love, my fullest devotion, and my most tender care. I promise I will live first unto God rather than others or even you. I promise that I will lead our lives into a lif of faith and hope in Christ Jesus. Ever honouring God's guidance by His Spirit through the Word, and so throughout life, no matter what may lie ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as a loving and faithful husband.

J:
I, J, take you, S, to be my wedded husband. With deepest joy I come into my new life with you. As you have pledged to me your life and love, so I too happily give you my life, and in confidence, submit myself to your headship as to the Lord. As is the church in her relationship to Christ, so I will be to you. S, I will live first unto our God, and then unto you, loving you, obeying you, caring for you, and seeking to please you. God has prepared me for you and so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you. Therefor, throughout life, no matter what may be ahead of us, I pledge my life as an obedient and faithful wife.


Amazing, isn't it?  Impossible, isn't it?  We have failed so many times, even recently. But, you know what? It's been an amazing journey - one that continues on. We are a picture of Christ and his Church. We are an imperfect picture, but an example nonetheless. I am glad that we are both committed to each other no matter what comes. I am glad that when we hurt each other and live away from these vows, there is forgiveness and eventual restoration. I'm also glad that there are days where we do live perfectly in our vows (by God's grace).

I am glad that Christ and the Church is a perfect marriage. That the vows that HE makes and already has made will never be broken.

My heart is full (and so is my nose),
xo,
J

soli deo gloria

Created to Create

Over the last few months, S and I have made so many changes. Our housing, our life plans, and other big things as well.

It's funny, I haven't really had the time to process all of this until quite recently. I was just recounting to friends of ours the ordeal we went through with 'The Hole' (aka the apartment we moved away from). It felt surreal - like I was telling a story of someone else. That sentiment is crazy! While we were still there, it felt like the whole world was crashing down around us.

We are in such a better place that we've actually been able to breathe. I've also been able to start different things that I love to do, that aren't 'just' keeping my hands/brain busy. For instance, while we were moving or while I was super sick in pregnancy, I would knit. I knit and knit and knit. I knocked out stockings, slippers, blankets, capes, and a slough of other things. It was great and productive, but external and busy-work, if you will.

Now, my activities are becoming introspective. I've begun journaling, singing, and creative writing again.  In the business of life, I had forgotten how much I enjoy creativity that isn't constrained by a pattern or ideals. Recently, I even painted a gift! How good it felt to hold a paintbrush and make something.

I've been reminded that, though it may seem superfluous, it is important! We were created to interact with our surroundings, to appreciate beauty! They say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery - well it could also be said, then, that creating is praising our Creator.

Here is a sample of some of what I've been writing:

Invisible Captive

The cries are getting louder

My hands move to cover my ears

The actions and reactions are so noisy

They make me shudder inside

I defend, I offend.

I offend, I defend.

It is exhausting.

Fear of provoking the untamed

goes unchecked and unexplored

Pushing on invisible boundaries that hold him captive

hoping one day to find an open door

One day hope reigns

The next it ebbs

A joy here

a sorrow there

Life moves on.

Protection stunts,

Goading harms,

Encouraging only goes so far

A snap of the fingers

to justify the unfortunate

uproots,

unhinges,

undermines

The cries are getting louder

I refuse to cover my ears

The life in those anguished tones

cause my eyes to wide



XO,
J

soli deo gloria

Learning Lessons of Living

Yesterday, we had my son's occupational therapist come visit us at our house. It was an excellent afternoon. We sung songs, played with trains, and talked. She and I talked so much my throat was dry and kinda hurt.

It was good to ask questions and get relevant answers. It was good to hear how well Buddy's been doing at school. It was good to know we seem to be on the right track in what we have been working on!

But...

I've found every time we've met with a professional who has insight about the diverse world of non-neurotypical kids, it's just like they are wiping just one more layer of mud off of a filthy pane of glass. We can see more clearly through it, but there still needs to be more and more and more wiping before we have the whole or clear picture.

I always find the insight to be helpful and encouraging. The questions the doctors or therapists or whomever ask can be hard to answer, as they can reveal how deeply ingrained some of the tendencies or even maladaptive behaviours are. They may be hard, but my goodness, they are helpful. Because they can see patterns and have a greater understanding of brain chemistry and physiology, these tremendous people can help put some of my fears for my son's future in a better perspective.

Yesterday, we had another lesson in humility and hopefulness. It was wonderful, and I feel ready to implement the next step or two.

XO,
J

soli deo gloria

Then and Now

Six months ago I was sitting in church counting contractions. The family who was supposed to watch our two older children were away. I made it through the service and talked to two of our friends about what was going on. They had noticed that I wasn't doing so well in the service.

They agreed to come over for lunch and wait with our kids until we could either get a hold of our back-up person for the kids.

A few hours later, after being hooked up to fetal monitors and the machine that graphs contractions, we were sent home. It was a disappointing relief.

We were scheduled to move a week and a half later. We weren't thrilled with the condo/apartment that we would be renting, but it felt like the only option at the time. We had found it through the nurse who checked me in at the obstetrician office.

The next day, May 6, just before lunch, my water broke. I had asked S to go in to work, but to be available should anything happen.  I was frantic. I wasn't really having contractions, but I knew that in, most likely, under 12 hours I was going to be a mother of three!

I skyped my mother and set her up on the table to 'hang out' with the kids while they munched on crackers. I called the family to watch the kids - they weren't home. I called our back-up. He got there before S did! I was running around trying to get everything together. I forgot to eat.

A few panic attacks and pushes later, Little Bird was born. Less than 10 hours later from our first sight of her, we got to go home. I hadn't slept from the time I got up the previous morning until I crashed on our bed once we got home.

She was a bright spot on some very dark days for us.

We moved, as scheduled. Things started going wrong all over the place. From renovations being incomplete, to the power supply to the house being wonky, to un-trustwothy landlords. Our son was getting more and more anxious and acting out. I was being spread thinner and thinner and breaking down often.

We had to make some huge life decisions. Little Bird has some kidney issues, Buddy had diagnosing appointments, and I was working through triggers for panic attacks and anxiety. We decided to step back (for a time) from our current life plan of moving over seas in the next year. We decided to buy a house (and by God's grace, we were released from the black hole of the apartment). We decided to get our son into an early intervention class that will help him cope and grow in several areas.

It was a crazy time. It's surreal to me, now. So much was unfortunate. So much was unpleasant. So much threatened to pull us under and leave us there. Bleak didn't even begin to describe how we felt the situation was.

Now, looking back, I am grateful. God has carried us through. We saw His hand guiding us and lifting our face.

We are now in a much better place. Our new house is a dream. Little Bird still has kidney issues, but they seem to be resolving on their own (we hope to get a confirmation of that in a month!!). Buddy is in his class and loving it, as well as already making some small steps of progress! S and I have carved out time every week to just be us and ground our family again.

Not everything is rosy, but our Saviour hasn't returned yet, has He?

 Another thing I was able to do since we moved, was take some specific time and dig into His Word. One thing really stuck out to me as I was reading through the Old Testament - God is a God of remembrance. He had his people set up memorials often to remind them of His faithfulness. I was convicted by this.  How can I do something similar in this day and age? I don't really know. I've been mulling it over in my head and coming up blank. For now, I'm writing things down. Some day soon, I'm hoping to do something a bit more like the Isrealites did - set something up that their children would feel the NEED to ask about, and so they would HAVE to explain it. If you have any ideas, shoot 'em my way :)

sorry this was a bit of a ramble,
xo,
J

soli deo gloria

Something from 'Nothing'

That there is picture proof that my kitchen scrap gardening is actually working. Now, though, I have to admit that I don't think I'll actually get anything edible from that spindly little vine on the right.  It's a chickpea or garbanzo bean plant.

I haven't researched how to grow either of these things. I noticed, at one point when I had accidentally left a soaked un-cooked chickpea in my sink, that it sprouted! I figured, if something can sprout in such unfavourable conditions as my kitchen sink, then I couldn't harm it in giving it a little care and soil.

The garlic was already sprouted when I took it out of its papery layers, and again, I figured I wouldn't be harming it by giving it a little love. I've since looked up home grown counter-top garlic and you can eat the green part - it's called garlic scapes, and apparently tastes mild and onion-y.  I haven't tried it, but I soon will :)

It's funny, the majority of us would have discarded these scraps and not thought about it again. They had no value, they were garbage!

But were they? No! They have the potential for so much more. Even without eating them at some later date, they have brought me happiness just by watching them grow!  In  a few more weeks or even months (who knows?) they might bring something more than 'just' aesthetic pleasure! I'm not sure if they will or not, but even the anticipation is fun.

There are so many inferences I could put words to about how we are similar to these little plants, but I'll just give one:

How often do people feel like garbage and they are just sitting forgotten in the sink?  It really doesn't take much to pull someone out of the dumps and give them a little love, does it? The biggest thing, I think, is to look past conventional sight, and see potential and nourish it.

How can you nourish today?

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

The First Taste

So, it's been two weeks since I first salted and brined my cabbage. Now is the prescribed time to move my humongous crock to a cooler environment to slow down the fermentation process. The internet said that now was also the perfect time to taste the ferment to see how things were going.

Today, with trepidation, I opened my makeshift lid and was greeted with a grody smell.  Great, I thought, it's ruined.  Upon further inspection, I found it to be mold-less.  That in itself is an excellent sign. Almost all of the articles I've read about lacto-fermentation says that mold will appear, and don't worry about it, just skim it off. (or, the more fear-mongering type posts, have said TOSS the whole batch... I've done lots and lots of reading, and am in the 'skim and keep' camp) I pulled out the weights, lifted the top, protecting leaves of cabbage, and low and behold, was sauerkraut! Or at least fermented cabbage WELL on its way to becoming sauerkraut!

I ate some.  OH my goodness. It is amazing!  I really like sauerkraut in the first place. I have, however, only ever had store-bought before. There is a HUGE difference. First off, conventional stuff is not really sauerkraut, it's more like pickled cabbage - that's because it's degraded in vinegar, not brine.  Second off, the cultures and enzymes that make sauerkraut SO good for you are killed in the canning process. 

This sauerkraut tastes similar to the store-bought stuff, but more mellow, richer, and has the best texture ever. I was sincerely surprised. I made S try some. He was also pleasantly surprised.

I am thrilled.

XO,
J

soli deo gloria

Update on our computer: It got rebooted somehow - I think through one of those automatic updates.  Everything magically reappeared.  I have no idea what happened.  S is going to be doing a full backup and then we are going to wipe this thing clean and replace things on the hard drive.  :)

Highs and Lows

Today has been a crazy emotional roller coaster - and it's not even lunch time, yet!

I woke up this morning, and as I usually do when Little Bird is actually awake (she still shares our room), I weigh myself.  I am down some more. There was much rejoicing!

I then went downstairs to check my email/facebook/other email/etc and noticed there was a crazy screen up.  S had put on a scan of the computer before we went to bed last night. Apparently, it was a search and destroy type, or something like that. I guess, it decided that our entire system had some issues and somehow had rebooted our whole thing. ...which meant I lost lots and lots of very meaningful and important things - like pictures or other word documents I've been working on for months.  The frustrating part of it all, is that last night, as we had been chatting about how our computer was doing annoying things, I had said we needed to make sure we backed it up soon.  I guess it just wasn't soon enough.

At this point, I'm hoping that S can do some kind of miraculous recovery of our files, but not tooooo hopeful, really.

After noticing all the files were gone, I was able to get online and actually check all of that which I had meant to.  I got an email from my publisher and BAM! My book is live! It can be purchased and read! It has been such a long time coming that it feels super surreal.

I'll do another post about it soon, but here's a link if you want to go check it out :Here

Anyway, I'm not expecting this day to get any less crazy. I have been reading blog posts about common lies MKs (missionary kids) believe and boy have they been hitting home. I also have an appointment with a wonderful counselor who is journeying with me to unravel some of my spaghetti mess of a brain.

If you think of it today, pray for my kids and husband - they are along for the ride.

xo,
J

soli deo golia

The Perfect Blanket

For each of my kids I have either knit or crocheted (or a little of both) a blanket. For My Buddy (aka the oldest) it's a huge striped waffle pattern that perfectly matches his made by me quilt. Little Red has a smaller fancy cabled lace blanket with a girly lacey edge. My youngest, or Little Bird, has a super delicate lace blanket made from sock wool and done on fairly small needles. Each has been a labour of love. The pattern was picked out, yarn purchased, and then cast on. Each was probably pulled off the needles or taken apart at least five times or even the pattern switched because I just didn't get it or there were mistakes in the pattern.

They were all completed before the big day and have since been used and loved almost every day of their lives. Buddy's lives on his bed and looks unlovely. Because of some of his hyper-stimulation needs, he's pulled out all the knots and strings that I wove in (praise God I actually knotted them instead of JUST weaving them in) and twists them incessantly around his fingers. He's also sucked/chewed a hole in a few places, so it has been sewn back together a few times. It may not look lovely, but it is loved.

Little Red has been more gentle with her bamboo and silk blanket. She cuddles it close or lays on it every night while she sleeps.  It's nappy and pilled. It's scrunched and mushed. It still looks pretty good, but you can tell it has been well used.

Little Bird's blanket lives by the door on a hook. We use it on the colder days when she has to go in the car. Since she's only almost 6 months her sweet little blanket is still in pretty good shape. It is warped and stretched a little bit and it just doesn't look new anymore.

All three of the blankets are doing exactly what I hoped they would - keep my kids warm and help them feel loved.

There is one blanket, though, that has made a permanent home on top of my dresser. This sturdy green, white, and brown striped blanket has not kept anyone warm. The yarn for this one was bought the day I went for blood work to make sure our baby was okay. I was hopeful and excited. The results for that blood work  and consequent ultrasound were less than stellar.

I, with Buddy, had just flown to my parents house for Christmas. S was coming a week later. When I got there I hadn't been feeling well and had no idea why. A trip to the doctor and I was shocked. Pregnant?! How could I be pregnant? I was on birth control! I was still exclusively nursing a baby who was only about 4 months old! It was crazy, and I was so very surprised. I called S with the news and we both became excited!

That night I started spotting. I called S back, sobbing. My mom slept with me that night. We went back to the doctor the next day and he ordered the blood work and ultrasound. S got on the plane and joined me at my parents. I was put on bedrest.  We were still hopeful, but sobered.

Christmas came and went. The test results came back. We were not going to be needing the yarn that we bought.

I decided that even this child that I would never know needed a blanket. I picked a super simple pattern and finished it. It helped me grieve. It gave me a physical piece of this baby that I could hold. This fetus was no longer just a passing idea or thing to forget. This was my child, and he (as we imagine) had a memorial. The blanket has not warped or stretched. It's not nappy or pilled. It hasn't been chewed through or twisted to pieces.

 It still looks lovely, and that is perhaps the most sad part about it. It is lovely, but it represents love.

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

Reeking of Love

I may never be the same again.  I spent about forty-five minutes today peeling garlic. I may forever smell of this lovely little plant.  My hands reek of it even after washing and washing. My house smells of garlic as well, though that may have to do more with roasting some of it than the enormous pile of naked cloves. (It kind of reminds me of that scene in Julie and Julia where Julia Child is cutting up SO many onions that when her husband enters the room his eyes instantly tear up)

What's with all the garlic?  Well, I'm on number three of my cultured foods.  The sauerkraut is still tucked away in it's crock fermenting. The blueberry 'jam' is in the fridge awaiting a spoon to spread it on toast or mix it into yogurt. Today, I started my garlic culture. There are about 15 heads of garlic in a quart jar and then filled to the brim with salted water.  I can't wait to see how this one turns out! Garlic is awesome for building up the immune system - even more so when it has been fermented for a while.  In this household, we for sure need something to give us a boost.

Going back to the pervasive smell - It's kind of how we need to be with Jesus.  If you could come to my house right now, you could smell garlic DISTINCTLY, but would you know as obviously that Jesus resides here? The World is to know we are Christians by our love - do they? It's for sure a challenge to me. Now to think and pray it through as well as take some outward actions steps.

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

Helping Hands

This morning I was going about my usual routine of getting the kitchen cleaned up from the dishes left over from last night's supper.  We tend to clean up all the food and plates and stuff, but leave the bigger dishes so we have time to spend together as a family.  Sometimes we will do the dishes together after the kids go to bed, but more often, especially lately, I will do them during the morning while the kids are playing or watching the same movie for the hundredth time in a row.

Today, I was working on unloading the dishwasher during my son's quiet time.  Little Red (the middle child) usually plays quietly with her dolls or whatever. Recently, though, she's been coming to help whenever I open the dishwasher.  She's a joyous little helper and does a pretty good job considering she's only 2 and can't reach more than half of the shelves where the dishes go.

Thing is, I was struck by how similar I am to her.  Many times God is doing something in this world, and I run to help. I don't have the stature or maturity to do the best job, but my efforts can be valiant. Sometimes I make a horrible mess, like when Little Red picks up a tupperware that flipped on the top rack and is now FULL of water. Other times I'm just the right person for the job - like when she can put away all the lids in the right spots.  Still other times, I make things harder for people who come after me - like the one time I'm sure I searched for a solid week for the veggie peeler.  I'm often misdirected and want to do things my way even though it isn't the best or even helpful at all - she sometimes thinks that putting the dirty dishes I've just put in the dishwasher should also go back in the cupboards.

The biggest thing  I realized this morning, though, is that similar to me, I'm pretty sure God loves a cheerful heart and willing hands.  He could do things all himself, but He lets us help and do. I'm glad He loves us so much to let us learn and make mistakes in the process. I'm gad that, like me with my two year old, His expectations are pretty low of me.  I'm also glad that HE has put someone in place to pick up my mess, do things perfectly, and finish the work. 

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

Blessed, Not a Mess

Today I am a mess. I'm a frustrated at life, grumpy mess.  My kids are sick, I didn't sleep much, and someone came to our house to fix the flooring issues but instead blew a lot of steam and blame shifted.

I feel like I have significant reasons to justify my attitude and behaviour that stems from it.  Really, though, I have much else that is RIGHT going on today and should not let the few irritating things get in the way of joy.

I haven't really caught on to that idea and am still having an incredibly hard time being positive. I am reminded of a song that is currently running through my head - Count Your Blessings. It's an older song by Johnson Oatman Jr.

The chorus goes like this:

Count your blessings, name them one by one,
Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
Count your blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

How often do I take the time to take stock of what is going right in my life? Personally, I tend to complain and want to vent or rant to whomever would listen. Not cool.  Not biblical (see Philippians 2:14). Not becoming. Rats, guess that means I should stop, eh? There is an alternative, and it's right in front of my eyes - especially since I just copied and pasted that chorus.

I am finding, too, that there is much that the majority of people wouldn't even see in my life that push it into the joy-causing realm. Things like this:

- my experimental chickpea plant actually growing
-edible sparkles in my cup of tea
- that my son's teacher uses season appropriate colors for the papers she sends home
- that a friend of ours lent us a 'new' movie just before these kids of mine got sick
-that the city we recently moved to picks up compostables at the curb (!!)
-the forecast includes snow!
-the sock pattern I'm working through
-the anticipation of seeing some of our dear friends who have committed to coming down for American Thanksgiving!
- true blackout blinds
- that my middle little one can put on her own socks!

The list really could go on forever. Thing is, I have to choose to think these things through. To recall that there is value in the seemingly insignificant things that I often take for granted. 

Today, I'm a mess.  Today, instead of letting it define me, I'm going to do my best to choose to see how blessed I really am.

XO,
J

soli deo glori

Going Awry

In the last little while, I have been researching and executing lacto-fermentation. Basically, it is the making of sauerkraut or other simple culture foods for the enzyme and probiotic benefit.  Saturday was my first big push at starting the adventure in fermenting things.

I borrowed one my mother-in-law's huge enamel crocks when we were up at their farm for Thanksgiving.  My dearest love, (AKA code name 'S') helped me sterilize it and set it up to receive about 10 pounds of cabbage.  I boiled and sanitized all of the chopping utensils and boards - not to mention the counters, weights for the crock and my hands.

I chopped and chopped.  I weighed and measured out salt. I stuffed and stuffed. I chopped and then chopped some more. It wasn't more than two hours all together, really. In the end the humongous crock was full of salted cabbage. I weighed it down like the internet directions said. I waited for a few hours to see if there would be enough cabbage/salt juices to cover itself. When there wasn't about an hour before bedtime I added some brine. I covered it and let it set to ferment.  I was thrilled with the progress and excited to wait for the prescribed time for my lovely sauerkaut.

Then today happened.

I was merrily going about making some blueberry lacto-ferment jam (which should be ready in only a day or so!!!), keeping the kids relatively happy and engaged in their activities, and making sure the cheerios that had been spilled at breakfast were at least contained and not becoming dust tracked about the house.

Things were looking up, and then I looked down.  There was a mysterious puddle underneath the babe's bouncy chair.  What in the world could it be? There was nothing on the chair that could have leaked, and no other signs as to what it could be. I bent to wipe it up and then I saw it. The crock of sauerkraut was full to the brim and overflowing like a waterfall. DRAT. It was so full and heavy that all I could do was wipe around it and wait until S came home to help out.

I had gotten most of the cabbage juice mess cleaned up. I wasn't happy about how it all turned out, but it reminded me that even when we have the best intentions and do things exactly to 'the plan', it doesn't always work out.  It's a simple lesson that I've experienced hundreds of times, but I guess I needed another reminder - perhaps, poignantly as I was carrying out the beginning step of what will likely be a 'forever change' in our eating habits.

It was as if God was saying, even in this area of your life, you still need me as your Saviour.   Sigh. How true.

Now, only a few hours away from bedtime, the mess is contained, the cabbage is still fermenting and my expectations (and pride) are back in check. Hopefully, it will still turn out in the end. If not - lesson learned - WAIT longer before adding more brine!

xo,
J

soli deo gloria

A New Start.

I've blogged before.  I've even tried to blog intentionally before.

This probably won't be any different, but who knows? I might surprise myself.

I like to do quite a few things.  I love to bake and cook.  I love working with my hands in crafts that involve yarn, thread, or things of the like. I love my family and have been working towards fostering peace and grace in myself first, and in our home environment so they would have a space to grow in character. I love to read and think. I also love to write and share ideas. I love people - hosting and spending time with and blessing people. Like I said, I love to do quite a few things.

I really want this written space to be a window into some of me. I am a stay-at-home mother of three who doesn't get out as much as I probably should, so, adult conversation is at an all time low. Having a blog, or a place to share more mature ideas and thoughts feels like a much needed outlet.

So. Welcome. Hope you enjoy journeying with me one post at a time :)

xo,
J

soli deo gloria