In the Silence

I've been fairly offline for writing lately.

The truth is, I have very little to say that isn't directly linked to how our family is being affected by Buddy's neuro-atypicalness.  It's not that I'm completely inward focused, though that is a daily battle, it's more that it is so all-encompasing that  it is what my mind focuses on even in 'down' times.

It's things like making sure I have the correct things on our visual schedule, and hoping even those things aren't too much for sensory-sensitive little Man. It's also making sure we have safety procedures in place for the girls should life (or things on the schedule) be too overwhelming.

But! In this silence, I've been writing on paper.  Not just writing, but practicing. I got Mastering Copperplate in the mail, along with a nibbed pen and ink. I've been practicing strokes and putting them together to form shaky letters. It's complicated enough that I don't think about strategies, but simple enough that I can supervise my girls playing play-dough or dolls.

This script is kind of like our life. When S and I first got married we knew some of the basic strokes of relationships and family, and we got to practice them before adding more complex elements. Once Buddy was added to the mix with had more things to practice, but there was also a healthy dose of play and give. With both of the girls we added more and more facets and possibilities, making our family even more challenging, but stunning and worth the work. As our family grows (in stature, not in number), the basics are down, the foundation mostly solid (though we do have to go back and practice things like communications), and God is the master penman of our family - adding the flourishes and complexities that, while dazzling to look at, are intricate and painstaking.

I can't wait to see what all of this silence adds up to.
xo,
J

soli deo gloria

Here's some of the process:

What Love Looks Like

Over the last few weeks, S and I have encountered what we have deemed to be in the top 3 of our worst weeks of our married life. The nutshell version : we're coming to realize the severity of  Buddy's needs, and how that looks physically, emotionally, and mentally.

For me, it has put me in an ultra vulnerable place where taking the next breath almost requires thought. This take-my-breath-away realizing is on-going and brutal.  It has forced us to our knees with only groans for prayers.

It has also made us stop sugar-coating to make it seem better in our own minds.  With this lack of sugar comes the ability to be honest and ask for help.  It is hard to ask for help. To admit that you cannot handle something on your own...ugh.  So hard.

This week, we talked to other people about what was going on, and the overwhelming response of wanting to know specifics of how to help...has also been breath taking. It also has deepened my understanding of what love looks like.

Today, love looks like:
- a meal cooked for us and delivered with paper plates, so we have no dishes to worry about
- a husband stopping just because, and carrying a latte in his hand, just for me!
- flowers in a mason jar
- life-giving, perspective enhancing phone calls with 'aunties'
- knowing people are praying specifically for us

Love is so much more than that, really, but God has been opening my eyes to how He works through His Body to shower us with love.


Have you felt love lately?

XO,
J


soli deo gloria

September planning

In the advent of autumn, I have always reveled in the new stationary items that flood the house - whether they were bought for me, or now for my kids. I love the feel of fresh colored pencils (or pencil crayons, depending on your nationality), or the waxy smell of crayons, or even the potential of all those lovely blank notebook pages!!

This year, as Buddy gets all of his gear in order, I have ordered a special item for myself. This item, though, requires a tiny bit of a back story:

I have finished my 52 book resolution!  As it is not even September, I have decided to take on another self-improvement style resolution : improving my handwriting/learn calligraphy. This is kind of an open ended resolution, but, I am resolving, nonetheless.

This resolution came directly out of being inspired by a video that's been floating around the internet which a friend of mine tagged for me to watch.  It's incredible....and here it is : here .  I LOVE his talking about how writing things down engraves things in our brains. It also struck a chord with me in that, I really am failing in my other resolution of memorizing James.  I have the first chapter done, and am about 10 verses in to the second, but I don't know if I'll be able to get through the other 2 and 3/4 chapters by December if I don't switch up my method.

SO! Back to my special purchase!  I ordered myself a beginner fountain pen! It's a gorgeous Faber-Castell Loom - which, according to the research I've done, is the best quality for people who are just getting into the art. There are others out there, but they have some pitfalls that this one seems to not have.  Hooray!
I also got the book Mastering Copperplate Calligraphy!

With practicing my handwriting, I've already started - I've been copying out James, and then doing it from memory.  Once a day (or every other day) I write out the verses I'm working on, and then once a week, I do all of the ones I have to keep them solidly in my brain.  It's SO awesome. Two birds, one stone!

What are your plans for the fall?

XO,
J

Soli Deo Gloria!

The Job Precipice

This summer I have been mulling over the last few chapters of the book of Job.  I have always loved the questions that God poses, as it displays his power.  Lately, though, I realized, it's to Job that God is speaking, not the friends who make a mess of things.

Job, the man who had all of his wealth and family (save a wife who complained) stripped from him. The man who had sores so bad he was scraping himself with broken pottery.  The man  whose friends decided it was HIS fault that all these things descended upon him.  Seriously, Job was in a messed up situation.

The thing is, in all of it, Job remained righteous, so why does God tell Job to 'dress for action like a man?' and 'I will question you, and you will make it known to me' ?  Not just once, but twice, once after Job realizes his mistake and literally puts his hand over his mouth!

It's amazing. At first, it made me feel that God was not being kind, but being a belligerent oaf who kicks Job when he's already down.....but that's not God. He is kind, He is love, He is slow to anger.  The picture in my head just didn't jive. What WAS going on? I had to look further.

It's not about Job. That's what's going on. The book of Job is not about Job. It is about God and his glory. God was showing Satan how good He is - that even when all of Job's life crumbles around him, Job will remain faithful. God IS that good.

I think that God is reminding Job at the end of this book that Job was right to do as he did - remain faithful to such a great and awe-filling God. Not only that, God reveals MORE of himself to Job - so much so that  righteous Job realizes the tininess of himself and repents in the presence of so much glory. This opportunity is so amazing, so astounding....it leaves me breathless.

God didn't talk to Job to comfort him in human terms whatsoever. (Though, God does restore Job's fortune, health and family later) He makes himself more fully known, and that is enough to shake Job into fearful praise."I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted" - wow.  WOW.  Being able to say that after what Job went through?! It means that he got it. He understood it wasn't about him. That is a gift.

People generally quote Job's initial response to the disaster  - naked he came, naked he'll go....but that's not the sentiment I want to take away this time. I want to have God's power seared into my heart, to have the knowledge that GOD can do ALL things and no purpose of His can be thwarted branded into my mind.

If it is a part of me, then I will not fear whatever might come next.
If it is a part of me, then I have opportunity to take the next step.
If it is a part of me, then praise becomes my native tongue.

I'm standing on Job's precipice, and I think I'm going to dive off....heart first.
Join me?

XO,

J


Soli Deo Gloria

In the Quiet Times

I've been pretty radio silent the last while.  It's not because I have nothing to say, or that not much is going on.  It's the opposite.

Our life right now has been overwhelming.  Our priorities have shifted, and writing has been taking a backseat. Most everything, really, has taken a backseat and the car has shifted into crisis mode.

You see, we've been fighting for a long time to get funding, to get professionals to see our son as he is, to have some semblance of rest, to understand what's going on in his brain and how it affects his body, to ...do so many other things.

On Monday, we had a case conference that has put us in to a quiet time. We've been told we've come to a wall. There's no door, and we can't move it.  We need to simply wait for someone to build a door, or toss a rope over from the other side.  ....analogy aside, the team, and us, have done all the proper things, but we've run out of options at this time in improving our situation.

It's brutal. It's heart breaking. It's....freeing.  We're no longer fighting, but sitting against the wall and resting. We're not looking a head too far, we're simply here, and now. We're continuing on with the steps we've taken, and actually going backwards a little bit to see if we've missed anything in our foundational steps.

Instead of reaching and stretching ourselves too thin, we're making ourselves small, and reducing expectations. It's not easy, but it's what we have to do right now.  We're not out of the war, we're regrouping and reinforcing.

All of that to say - I might be more quiet on the blog.  Know I'm still around.  Know I want to communicate.  And, for right now, you might need to initiate. 

Keeping my chin up,

XO
J

soli deo gloria

Resolutions at the 6 Month Mark

So, I only made two resolutions this year. Both I thought would be challenging.  One, so far has, the other...has been breezy.

I, at this point, have only 20ish verses of James memorized. This is progress, but it is for sure not half of the book!  I want to say that I've been working on it every day, but I haven't. It's been hard, and I've been distracted.  I DO have 6 more months to work on it, and I am optimistic that it will be done.

...that being said. Those first 20 verses....have been drowning my heart in truth!  Oh how I love God's words and how applicable it is, even centuries after it as originally penned!


So, my second resolution was to read 52 books this year.  Here is the list so far, with a brief description of why I liked, or didn't like it:

1. Storm Front, By Richard Castle - I loved this. Not because of the content, but because it is meta - the person Richard Castle doesn't exist, he is a character in a TV show....but this book is written in such a way that you really do feel like the character wrote it!

2. The Shunned House - HP Lovecraft  - I read it to see his style of writing. It was creepy, and fantastic.  I then watched a documentary about his life, and was fascinated. He really burst open the world of subtle horror.

3.To Live is Christ to Die is Gain - Matt Chandler - this was an excellent read....and the title says it all.

4. Angels Watching Over Me - Michael Philips - this is a first of a series, but I wouldn't read the rest. It was okay, but not great

5. Alone with God - J MacArthur. - This was a great read on prayer! LOVED it!

6. Into the Whirlwind-Elizabeth Camden - this was a fluffy escape book.  You can 'call it' from the first page, but it did hold my interest.

7. Sycamore Row - John Grisham - this is well done...just like all Grisham's stuff.

8. I am Malala - Malala Yousafzai - This was interesting read. It was a bit cumbersome, as it was written by a young girl in her native tongue, then translated into English. It was fascinating, but I would much rather read her story if she would choose to write it again in 10 years.

9. Shrewd: Daring to Live the Startling Command of Jesus - Rick Lawrence - This has been my favourite non-fiction book this year! It is AMAZING. It's about a subject I had never even really thought through before - I would say a must read!

10. Overwhelmed: Winning the war against worry - Perry Noble - to be honest, I don't much remember this book.  I'm sure it was okay...just maybe not new info that stuck with me.

11.Watching Tree Limbs - Mary E. DeMuth - This was a brutal read. So painful to read about a young abused girl's life, and then see how she is taken out of it. I would read it again, but with an entire flat of kleenex.

12. All for a Story - Allison Pittman - This was another fluffy escape type book, but well done, and not super typical for a Christian 'romance'

13. The Runaway Jury - Grisham - This was a reread, and I still love this book

14. The Stone and the Song - Ben Y. Faroe - written by a dear friend of mine!  It's not my usual style, but is was great nonetheless!

15. Moby Dick - Herman Melville - I had gotten the abridged version for my son, but read a few pages myself to see how I liked it, fell in love with the language then read the whole unabridge version (okay, minus the entirely too long essay about all the different kinds of whales in the world).  the language got me. I loved it. I also particularly loved Tashtego being compared to a midwife.

16.Anne of Greeen Gables - LM Montgomery - I cannot even start to say how much I love this series of books!

17. Diving Design - J MacArthur - This was okay. I felt it was a bit dated, though

18. Anne of Avonlea - LM Montgomery - Oh Anne....

19. Anne of the Island - LM Montgomery - More lovin'

20. Take One - Karen Kingsbury - okay....this one was just annoying to me. It's another part of an already too long series.  .....ugh.

21. Franchising McChurch - Thomas White - interesting concept, but didn't really 'hit' me.

22. A Hopeful Heart - Amy Clipston - An interesting spin on the the usual Christian Amish stories

23. Anne of Windy Poplers - LM Montgomery - this one used to be my least favourite....but it has risen in ranks, with maturity and time.

24. Anne's House of Dreams - LM Montgomery - I think this one is my favourite!....or the first...or second... oh I don't know...they are all SO GOOD!

25. Static Jedi: The Art of Hearing God Through the Noise - Eric Samuel Timm - it was okay, not THE BEST, but okay.

26.The Elegance of the Hedgehog - Muriel Barbery - I LOVED THIS BOOK.  Seriously, this one is my new favourite of all time....right up there with the Anne series ;)

27. God built - Steve Farrar - This was was stellar - a great look into the life of Joseph.  Loved it!

28. The Street Lawyer - Grisham - ....I like Grisham's stuff, what can I say?

29. Anne of Ingleside- LM Montgomery - I had taken a break, you can get 'Anne-d' out, but this one brought me right back in!

30. Crucify! Why the Crowd Killed Jesus - Timothy J. Stoner - I am not sure how entirely accurate this book is, but it makes you think of the earthly ministry of Christ in a whole different light. I mostly enjoyed it!

31. Rainbow Valley - LM Montgomery - All about Anne's kids and friends!  YAY! more Anne Love!

32. Follow: A Simple and Profound Call to Live Like Jesus - Floyd McClung. This one was life changingly good.  seriously...I'll probably read it again this year.

33. Rilla of Ingleside - LM Montgomery - oh....how I hated finishing the last book of the Anne series.....sigh....now to start them over again?

34. Palace of Curiosities - Rosie Garland - interesting premise....lousy ending. I would not read it again, or even suggest others to. It's supposed to be a book about the behind the scenes lives of circus performers....it was just kind of....blah.

35. Secondhand Jesus - Glenn Packiam - I LOVED this book.  read it - you will too.

36.  Covered Glory - David Philips - a short read about a study on covering womens' hair during prayer and worship. Interesting....

37. The Rainmaker - Grisham - more Grisham....hooray!

38. The Oracle of Stamboul - Michael David Lukas - This one had SO MUCH POTENTIAL....and that's all it had.

39. Gourmet Rhapsody - Muriel Barbery - this is a companion book for The Elegance of a Hedgehog (see above). I don't know if there was a I book I was ever more excited to read...It was elegant, short, and like putting a puzzle together in your mind about the man's life.  oh...I loved it.


So - that is my list so far!  only 13 more to go until I am finished for my resolution....but I won't stop reading then.  It's fascinating to me how much written word can be taken in in such a short time!  Thank you, Jesus, for the printing press!


How are your resolutions going?
XO
J

Soli Deo Gloria!

The Gift of Grieving

Lately, I've been struck with how great it is that Jesus cried over the death of Lazarus. The anguish of the death of a friend hurts. Grieving well is a gift. Stiffing grief only causes more pain.

I haven't lost anyone super recently. My adopted grandmother did go to Heaven last year, and that was hard, but we had drifted a bit since I had moved out west.  I miss her asking for a half a cup of coffee, or making rice krispies with her, or even sneaking PB cookie dough out of the bowl away from her watchful eye.

The grief the my husband and I are working through is a living breathing and ever changing grief. The grief has to do with our dreams and expectations of the future, as well as some expectations of 'normal' everyday life.

Anxiety and sensory processing disorders have given us the challenge of figuring out how to survive through 24 hour periods with very little left to glance at the next 24. Maintaining the safety of our kids is a challenge in balancing visual schedules, the correct sensory input, and praying for peace to reign. It's exhausting. It's overwhelming. It is refining.

When we first held our precious firstborn in our arms we dreamed what any parent does - that we would play with him, teach him how to ride his bike, have endless play dates, sticky banana kisses, outings to the park or libraries....and so on. And we did. For two years we had a relatively typical first parents experience.

It was during the summer before Buddy turned three that the red flags we had been seeing in his development and play became full out warning bells and sirens. Gone were play dates and outings. Screaming and nightmares and utter chaos became the norm. Violence and meltdowns became common.

With visits to specialists we realized this wasn't 'just' a phase or bad parenting or a sickness that would be cured. Coming away from the first pediatric psychiatrist appointment, we were devastated. Not because Buddy was any different, or that we loved him less, or anything like that. It was a grief stemming from the death of dreams and the what -ifs of uncertainty of the future.

Back to Jesus, before this post becomes too sad.  Jesus!  He didn't continue to cry and wallow in his grief.  Why? He knew what was ahead. He knew that he had the healing touch, or rather the resurrecting touch. He finished grieving, got up, and took action. He had an audience. He did the unthinkable and had the tomb opened. Then, he prayed.

Jesus is a great example for me here. He didn't ignore pain. He didn't stay in pain. He showed the world what is ahead for us - life! Joy! Time with Him! 

Back to us and Buddy. It's not the big things that get me down about Buddy's future. I'm sure he'll be fine in the long run - especially with all of the different people God has put in our way to help him out. It's the 'little' things that break my heart for our 5 year old.  -things like how he's had to forgo two different amazing field trips this school year because they would have overwhelmed him past recovery, or that having friends over not only takes planning and patience, but days of recovery as well. It's that we've had to postpone memorizing verses from the Bible because he latches on to a word or phrase and repeats it ad nauseum for hours or days on end.   It's these little tears at my heart that are breaking it, causing the grief to swell.

I have to admit I don't like it. I hate grieving, but I'm starting to realize the gift that it is.  Without proper grieving, I believe we would be stuck in pain so terrible, that we would just give up.

So today, I will have my cry. Tomorrow, though, I will look up and see how God is working.

xo,
J

Soli Deo Gloria

Chicken with Fresh Herb Ravioli

I waffled a bit before I sat down to write this post.  I have been meaning to do a follow up post with a picture tutorial to my last post....instead of just talking about paper making - actually showing you how to do it.

THEN! Mother's Day happened.  While that tidbit might not make you understand why I am on a tangent away from paper making, it makes absolute sense with the next sentence. My wonderful husband and kids got me a pot full of fresh herbs to grow in my windowsill. It is a ginormous pot and has sufficient herbs to satisfy my longing for fresh foods!  It has sage, parsley, thyme, and oregano.  It smells amazing!

SO!  Instead of going on and on about my love of paper making, I have decided to share with you what my family ate tonight....and the recipe, so you could eat it too!

We made chicken with fresh herbs ravioli with sage and garlic butter sauce.

While it might not look as amazing as it sounds....it was fantastic!

First off, we made the pasta dough (all recipes at the end). I let it rest for 20 minutes before getting out the lovely pasta roller.  Little Red woke up from her nap at this point, and was in a F.U.N.K.  Seriously grumpy child, so I did what any sensible parent would do...got her to help me in the kitchen.  Ha. Maybe not super sensible, but for this little munchkin, if her hands are busy, she's usually happy.

She helped turn the crank of the pasta roller, while I fed the machine. S filled up the raviolis with the filling I had made while the pasta dough was resting. We made a great team, the three of us.

Once we finished enough to eat a decent supper, the first batch went into the boiling pot of water, and I started on the butter sauce. 

The kids being not as adventurous as us only ate the naked pasta, and boy howdy did they chow down!  S and I barely bit into our first one before their plates were licked clean!

So...enough about our experience - here are the recipes for your delicious pleasure!

Ravioli dough:
1.5 lb all purpose flour
2 eggs
about 1.5 tbs of olive oil
water to reach the right consistency

Put your flour in a large bowl (or use an kitchenaid) and make a well in the center. crack the eggs and add the oil to the well.  Bring the flour from the edges into the well and start stirring (or use your dough hook on LOW speed). keep mixing, adding a TBS of water at a time until it is smooth and elastic. kneed for a few minutes.  Let the dough rest for at least 10 minutes before rolling.



Chicken with fresh herb filling:
6 chicken thighs
2.5 cups shred mozzarella cheese
half handful of parsley
about 6 sprigs of thyme - without the stems
about 7 leaves of rosemary
4-5 sprigs of oregano - again, no stems
1 egg

Boil the chicken until cooked, then shred. While still warm, stir together the cheese. Add the herbs after minced finely. add salt and pepper to taste. Add egg.


Assemble the raviolis! (if you need help with this step, ask in the comments)

Garlic and sage butter sauce
2 heaped tsp garlic
11-12 sage leaves minced
3-4 tbs butter
1-1 1/2 cup of pasta water (water you boiled your pasta in)

melt the butter. Add garlic and sage and cook for a minute or two.  Add the water (watch out! it'll bubble) stir and let thicken.  Add your boiled raviolis to the sauce and let it cook down while you stir them to keep from sticking - about 5-8 minutes.

and! you are done!


enjoy! 

XO,
J

SOLI DEO GLORIA

All Things New

Lately, our house has been chaotic.  Some of it is the natural chaos of having 3 kids under 6, but most of it is the unnatural chaos that comes with neurological gaps and high levels of anxiety.  When this happens, though, I can't help but start looking at how God is showing up.

Monday we had an appointment not made by us with Buddy's old doctor. She passed him up because she only works with kids under 5. It was a very sad day when we said goodbye to her, as she has been one of the only professionals to see Buddy as he is, instead of the calm facade he puts on especially in doctors' offices. When she heard the report of how he is doing...she took him back. I am in awe of God's grace in this situation. She has also been preemptive and wants to meet with his whole team on order to get everyone, including the school, on the same page. This is unheard of. We are so grateful that God stepped in and is providing amazing care for our incredible son!

In the midst of the chaos I have developed a new hobby. It's mindless enough that once I get going I don't have to think about what I'm doing. It's interesting enough to keep me dreaming and planning.  Knitting, or crocheting, you see, needs more of my senses and time where I am kid free - especially the patterns I love to work on. Writing, for me, requires quiet.  But! Paper making, my new love, is keeping my hands busy while my eyes and mind can stay on the kids!

It's such a picture to me, too, though of how God works in our lives. The first step of recycling paper into new sheets is selecting the medium. God picks us out of a pile and gets to work on us.Then you break down the paper into smaller pieces. God takes apart our heart and washes us clean.

The next steps are painful, but necessary. The paper mush gets drowned in water then put in a blender of food processor. God puts us in situations to completely break us down to get us ready for the use that is best suited for us. Sometimes, that is completely different from what we were before Jesus, sometimes it's very similar.

After being ground into pulp, the slurry gets dumped into a large vat and more water is poured on it to bring up the water level in order to cover the screen that will be dipped. 

Here comes the cool part - the papermaker gets the screen and deckle (the frame that holds the paper pulp to the screen which determines the size of the paper) ready then submerses it in the murky water. Swishing the screen around to get the consistency just right, the paper maker then pulls the screen and deckle out of the water.  Now you can either pour off the water, or let it drip through the screen or start the process over again. The paper doesn't always cooperate, and can be holey or to thick or too thin or just not useful for the task it's destined for. Same goes for us, doesn't it? Often times we resist what God is doing because we don't know the end-goal, so back into the bucket we go.

When everything is just right, the screen and deckle come out and get placed on a towel, then the deckle is lifted, revealing a very fragile and new piece of paper. Next, a piece of felt is placed directly on the paper and smooshed to adhere to it to protect it and to help it keep its shape - I feel like this is like other believers that God puts in our path to help shape and direct us in the way He would have us go.

After a second or two, the paper maker flips the whole thing over and starts to press all of the water out of the soaked paper. It takes a lot of pressure and many different sponges to get all of the water out. After enough water is pressed, the screen is taken away.  Now the paper only has one more step before it can be used - drying.

Drying can take what seems like forever. There are things you can do to speed up the process, like using a dehydrator, or a fan, or even the oven, but left on its own, the paper can take days, or even a full week to dry. 

After the 'forever' of waiting, the paper is ready.  It's such a parallel process, isn't it?  I'm so glad God takes the old and makes us new!

How have you seen God lately?
xo,
J

Soli Deo Gloria!

Earth Day and Stewardship

It's been a while, hasn't it?  My life has been UP...and DOOOOOOWN lately. So much chaos, so many different things that have kept our entire family crazy!

BUT! I've been able to keep up with my resolutions - the ones of reading 52 books this year and memorizing the book of James. While I'm WAY ahead in the book department (32 of 52 complete!...will post a list soon) I'm still in the first 20 verses of James. It's SO slow going, but I've found an app that is really helping me! Hooray!

The book I am currently reading is called Follow by Floyd McClung.  It is so good. It's also one of those ones that hits you in the stomach because it has so much in it that is convicting.  Yesterday's chapter was on faithfulness, and this is where this post has sprung from.

Lately, God has been working on my heart in stewardship and being faithful in the small things. I've told you before how hard I find it to do housework or things like that - and in my life, those are the small things. I can get SO caught up in big projects or dreams, that I completely lose sight of my own house.

Being faithful and diligent in keeping my house clean and my clothes laundered enables me to have people over without having the giant RUSH to clean up right before the doorbell rings. It also cuts down on fights with the kids because they know where their toys or water bottles are. Overall, it promotes peace.

Being faithful in praying for people I've said I would has really been cool, too. I've been starting to write down requests and keep track of the answers. God is so cool. Even with our 'pithy' requests, God is kind. I've also seen bigger things get put into motion. Certain people have made godly decisions, others have started reading their Bibles more, and even my kids are excited about praying.


Being faithful in the small things really prepares you for the big things of the world. This is where I can tie this in to Earth Day. Think about it - if we took the time to recycle and reuse what we have our own environmental impact would diminish. This includes meal planning to eliminate (or at least cut down on) food waste, patching clothes, or grouping errands to save fuel.

Being faithful overall is tough. I cannot do it on my own - it is part of the fruit of the Holy Spirit. I am so grateful that He is involved, or else I would be entirely overwhelmed and a failure.

How have you been challenged lately?  With what do you need to be faithful?

XO,
J

Soli Deo Gloria

In Pain and Beauty

This post has been rolling around in my head for quite some time, so if it seems jumbled, let's just go with it got taken out of the dryer at the wrong time.


There are so many examples of what I want to try and say that I feel silly rehashing it. But....let me try to rehash it in a way that is personal to me.

In brokenness there can be a beauty that does not compare to anything else. That beauty also caters to the soul, not just the flesh.

On the worst days at my house, the ones I'm covered in puke or have been punched or bitten, I try to surround myself with beauty to try and take the sting out of the day. While it isn't the brokenness that causes the beauty, it's the juxtaposition that creates a heightened meaning. For instance, when one of us wakes up on the wrong side of the bed, I reach for my most beautiful mug: a china mug with gorgeous roses. While it doesn't chase the grumpies away, it does bolster resilience for a few hours.

I just finished a book called The Elegance of a Hedgehog.  While it's main theme is not about what I'm talking about - it does touch on it. It was a beautiful book that fed my soul while chaos surrounded me. I suggest you look it up and dig in to it. Not only is the language stellar the whole book just made me smile and laugh out loud. (especially when she finally visits her neighbor!)

One of my favourite examples of brokenness causing beauty is found during the death of Christ. Since we just passed Easter, I thought it fitting to highlight it for you today. In the temple, separating the world from the Holy of Holies - the place where man would go to meet with God at the mercy seat to offer a blood sacrifice - there was a curtain. It wasn't just your average run of the mill curtain that could be pushed away. It was thick. It was HEAVY. It was HUGE - I'm talking 60 feet by 30 feet, not to mention it was about 4 inches thick. ....Now THAT is a curtain. It was also beautiful. It was woven in scarlet and blue by people who were specifically gifted to do so.

Thing is, it was 'just' beautiful. The thing that makes it heart-achingly, astoundingly glorious is that it was ripped from top to bottom.  In and of itself, a ripped curtain would not be lovely, it would be broken, but that brokenness is infused with symbolism and meaning.  That stunning tear signified the lack of barrier between God and man. The death coinciding with that rip opened the way for Man to come before God without the ritual sacrifice, but instead, covered in the blood of the Lamb.

That broken veil is beautiful - more so than when it was whole. It offers us the chance to not just survive, but live.

What beauty in brokenness have you seen?

XO,
J


Soli Deo Gloria

Being Rooted

A few things have lead me to this post today.  Mostly, it's been my daily devotions coupled with life happenings.

Persistent sin sucks. You can let it define you and drag you through the mire, or you can confess it and let Jesus lift you over that same mire.  The thing is, many people think confessing is the last step. It really is not. It might not be the first step either.  My point is that it is a STEP in the right direction.

Repenting is a HUGE step that, I feel, gets glossed over. 'We fall into the trap of thinking 'But I already admitted I was guilty...do I really have to change?'  The answer is YES!  A resounding YES!  BUT!  We must be rooted in God before that change can occur.

If we just change directions it is likely that direction, while maybe better, isn't the right one. Without reading God's directions, talking to wise godly people who have been in your place before, or even praying, you might as well be a sailing ship without a compass on a cloudy night.

For me, often, I make good changes, but neglect to get to the root of the sin. Like raspberry vines, even though I cut down the visible bush, the untouched root system will spring up alive and well and produce its fruit.

Sometimes we have to go through a really ugly uprooting phase in order to oust the sin completely. Digging up an entire line of roots doesn't sound fun, does it? And that's why, I'm afraid, the majority of us 'conquer' the same sin time and again. We rarely get down to the nitty gritty. We are afraid of the open, vulnerable hole that will be left. We are unsure of what will be planted in its place.

Here's what we can do instead of worrying: fertilize the soil. Rid it completely of weeds. Search out anything that might hinder good fruit and GET RID OF IT! Build a fence. Ask others to help set up a guard around that fence. and so on the list can go.

Let the Holy Spirit plant His fruit. Watch it grow. Let Him prune you into a lovely garden that others are drawn to because of HIS handiwork! Remember, though to be firmly rooted in Him and His Word.


What are you growing in the garden of your life?

XO,
J

Soli Deo Gloria

Trusting When in a High and Stormy Gale

Lately, music and lyrics of different songs have really been hitting me at a soul level. There is a common theme through all of them : Trusting in a God who is bigger than our circumstance/pain/world/fear/everything.

Even right now, going through my head is On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand:
When Darkness veils his lovely face
I Trust in his unfailing Grace
In every high and stormy gale
my anchor holds within the veil
On Christ the Solid Rock I stand
all other ground is sinking sand, all other ground is sinking sand

...That verse especially encapsulates what I've been feeling.  I don't understand what's been going on, the darkness has been hiding or at least obscuring God's goodness, but I don't need to fear because I can trust in His UNFAILING grace. 

JJ Heller has a song called Who You are the chorus goes like this:
Sometimes I don't know, I don't know what you're doing
I don't know, I don't know what you're doing,
BUT! I know who You are.

THAT is it! That is the theme of these songs, I really have no idea WHY God is giving us the life He is, but I know WHO He is.

He who put the stars in place pours out wrath on those who do not turn from sin.

He who so loved the world sent the LION of Judah.

His love is magnificent, so wholly terrifying we fall on our faces from the sheer pureness of it, and we use the word 'love' so flippantly and in such a way it demeans, degrades and defiles. God is love and we have only a small glimpse, through a dark glass of what love really means.

I believe in God. I believe He is powerful enough to bring us into situations like Jonah -where we have absolutely no inclination towards the people He loves. We don't understand his fierce and earnest desire for those we have deemed unreachable or tainted. We run from His commands to what we believe will be easier and find ourselves in a pit. A stinky, bottom of the ocean pit of utter lonliness, chaos and despair. We often mislabel our disobedience as a lesson God is teaching and then call out for Him to save us. In His everlasting and awe-inspiring grace, he has the fish spit us out. Our pit has done nothing to change our hearts, we still have no desire to follow God, but we do, realizing in some aspect that our disobedience causes us pain. We technically follow his commands, with no joy, nor excitement. We sit back and see how people respond to God's unfailing and incomprehensible love and we moan and complain. God did not need Jonah to reach the people of Nineveh, but He chose to use this prophet in a way I'm sure would not be forgotten.

I love that the end of Jonah is an open ending. There is no happy resolution for Jonah. God has had his task satisfied and the people of Nineveh have repented, but Jonah has not. It's a perfect picture for us today. God is not about me. God is about Him. So often, though, God invites us into glorious tasks that are not about us and we get upset, and when we are utterly miserable in our failure, He invites us again. His love is relentless. It is not God's fault Jonah is miserable. Who wouldn't want to be part of finding the cure to an incurable disease, or a party celebrating the overthrowing of an inhumane regime? Us. Jonah. We get so caught up in what we want or don't want to do, that we lose sight of the important, the immortal, the immeasurably joyous thing God is asking us to be part of.

Jonah, like us, has (or had) a choice. He did not have to stay there under 'his' dead vine and bemoan his wondrous circumstances. He could have gotten up and taken part of the redemptive revelry brought about by God's unfathomable mercy for the Ninevites. We, the redeemed, must remember this mercy was used to draw us into the Kingdom.

His mercy is so beautiful it leaves us speechless, but with a need to cry out with the rocks. It shakes us to the core and upends our selves. Grace, mercy's partner, is also wondrous that we have no earthly words to describe the wholeness is produces.

His kindness leads us to repentance, yet a majority, like the Israelite heritage we have, forget. Giants stand in our way. The Red sea, the river Jordan, the lack of food, the lack of water, the inane, the basic, the underwhelming needs of the body stacked with the overwhelming mistrust of the Infinite God who has promised, proven, and provided all good things.

We who ate the forbidden fruit and revel in our filth and muck. Who glory in cheating the system and garnering treasures that rot not only psychically but spiritually. Who prostitute our bodies to abuse after abuse of gluttony or starvation, not to mention the hedonistic highs of drink, sex, drug, and vice. Who justify anger and harsh words. Who lead children into 'harmless' lies to cover shame. Who set up idol after idol and make sacrifices to the gods of health, wealth, and self. We gloat in our shame. We flaunt our hideous malignancy and waltz before the throne of the Almighty with requests for parking spaces, blessing of sinful relationships, and dastardly vows.

We point to Elijah's burnout and use it for justification of our own, neglecting to remember the circumstances surrounding his time under the broom tree. We look to Hagar's request and think our own, sin laden petition will be granted, and are angered and scathing in our response when God turns down the unglorifying postulation. We read about Job and feel we are the same in blamelessness, but forsake the warnings of Malachi. We cherry pick through the God's Holy Word to justify our existence, when what we really need to do is grab hold of the sanctification and subsequent justification provided only in and through the Messiah.

I want nothing to do with the pithy god who is only worth turning to when disaster strikes. I want nothing to do with the god who is above all thinking of me. I want nothing to do with mishandling, misquoting, and misusing the precious Book God has given to us. I want no part of easy, self-satisfying worship.

I want to be overwhelmed. I want to be upended. I want to be put in the crucible. I want to be washed in the blood of the Lion-Lamb and take on His fearful holiness. I want to live in and because of His power. I want to out sing the rest of creation with praise too wonderful for even angels to comprehend. I want to stand and be counted. I want to live and die for Him who died for holiness, wholeness, completion, and glory. Most of all, I want Him.

How about you?  Want have your anchor hold within THAT veil? 

XO,

J

Soli Deo Glorie

Practicing for the Recital of Life

Over the last few weeks God has been working on my heart. It's been a wonderfully healing kind of pain.  I've told you before about how I stink at doing housework and a majority of domestic tasks.  I've chalked it up to so many different things ranging from forgetfulness to pain in my knee to little hands that get in the way.  Some were legitimate reasons, others legitimate excuses, but really, it came down to something a little more..how shall I say it nicely? ....oh wait, let's not sugarcoat this: SINFUL!

Let's give a few muscles to the skeleton of a story I just presented to you.

Over the last few weeks/months different videos, articles, conversations, and so on have come my way that have highlighted the need for mastering basic skills before taking on the final project.  Let me expound with a musical example:
A pianist does not play scales at a recital, they play a masterpiece by a maestro who also did not play scales and count time in front of the masses.  The hours and hours of practicing scales and simple pieces gave them a foundation to build harder pieces of music upon. People like Jazz musicians probably know this the best. They not only have to know a piece, but how the different notes interplay with each other inside and out so that when their turn for improvisation comes up it produces wonderful resolving dissonances and harmonies!  If these musicians did not have a basic understanding of music, but simply memorized large compositions, they would not sound as beautiful, they would sound mechanical or even worse. 

Same goes for housework, or anything, really. You have to have the basics down before you have a showstopping worthy performance...or daily life.

Here comes my conviction.  I love...LOVE hosting people. I love cooking and serving tea and cakes. I love making things that make people feel special and loved.  I love it when people feel free to pop in unannounced and just have tea and visiting with me. (that is hard given Buddy's particular anxiety's, but on school days....totally different story!)  But, the thing with unannounced guests is that my house is often painfully untidy.  S make take that pronouncement a bit further and call it messy. 

About three weeks ago, I spontaneously invited someone over for supper.  It had been a chaotic week, so things were a little worse than normal, but S and I blitzed a tiny bit before she got here and at least swept the crumbs out of the way (literally, they weren't swept up, but swept over to the side of the room!! AH!).  We still had dishes from a day or two prior sitting in the sink and so on.  She enjoyed supper with us, and I even persuaded her to stay overnight! It's a very Turkish thing to do - ask your guests to stay over instead of having them leave.  We made samosas and hung out all the next day too, and she stayed another night. 

...the thing is, she helped me clean.  While she enjoyed doing it, and it was a huge blessing for me to have a hand doing it, it made me realize that my mess, even when hastily contained affects people in my home. I need to practice the scales of my home before I can go out for my recital of welcoming.

I used to think I was good at hospitality.  Now I realize that my 'performance' has been a little flat. I need to practice the basics and get them down pat before people really feel not only welcome, but comfortable in my home.

This conviction branches out in so many other directions too - things like writing - you need to know spelling and grammar before you can write a novel. You need to know how to cut up vegetables before you can make ratatoullie. ..and so on.

Most of all, I think this has hit me (besides my housework) in the idea of God department. Do I know His love? Do I know his grace?  ...etc. or do I "just" dabble in highfalutin theology that I think has foundation, but don't really know it?  Is the foundation solid?  Back to the awe-inspiring basic.


How about you? Does this hit home at all? In what way?

Straining ahead,
J

Soli Deo Gloria

A Cultured post...with updates!

'Member how I made a second batch of sauerkraut?  'Member how excited I was that it was two heads of garden fresh cabbage: one green on red?

Well....let's just say it was a big ol' flop.  My excitement over it is only rivaled, now, by the disappointment of the first bite. It...was...gross.  Maybe I should make that GROSS.  My kids ate a bite or two and so did S, but that was it. We have decided to toss out this latest culture.  Us toss something?  I promise you, it really is THAT gross.

Where did we go wrong?

I think I let the water level get too low once.  I put it in a lass jar, but didn't put it in a super dark place. I mixed the cabbages. I...made a bunch of mistakes. 

It is super sad to me. Especially because I had no idea until that first wretched taste. Months of culturing amounted to a jar full of yuck.  Guess I really should invest in one of those lovely enamel crocks for my next adventure in food cultures!

Anyway! On to the more exciting updates!
I've put aside my gorgeous wool that is currently being tangled into a lacey sweater, and started a different raglan sweater from yarn my parents got me for Christmas.  Again, they gave me a sweater that requires some assemblage.  Hm...good thing I love doing it!   It's a simple repeating pattern.  I made it more complicated because I made the pattern smaller, and it was NOT written to do so.  I finagled my way around it, and now am about half-way through!  Hooray!

My finished book list for my New Year's resolution is growing substantionally! Yesterday alone I finished TWO!  Hooray!  I'm starting another today (Overwhelmed: winning the war against worry by Perry Noble).  We'll see how it goes. I have few others started as well - one really complicated (Moby Dick) one a bit less, but still a classic (Man in the Iron Mask) and then a more easy to read one when I need down time for my brain (Watching the Tree Limbs by Mary Demuth).  It's not too hard for me to keep all of them going at once. It keeps me interested in all of them, really.

As for my own book: I have writer's block.  ugh.  It's more like I have too high of standards and I'm not living up to them right now. I want depth and strong characters, but I'm ending up with tedious fluff.  I'm hoping to put out a few pages in the next week or so, or at least add more of the ideas and then flesh them out, but we'll see. I've also been sidetracked by the other million ideas in my head and have pushed out 4 short stories. Okay, not four complete ones, but 2 complete and 2 half (or more) done. I have more ideas crowding into my brain even now. I probably would have finished more, but our computer is still out of commission and this dinosaur of a computer drives me batty for writing. S's computer is compatible with dropbox, so I'll be able to do more when he gets home in the evenings.

Memorizing James: this has been uber slow going for me.  I don't know why. It just is. I think, again, the standards I'm setting are getting in the way. You see, I don't really want to 'just' memorize. I want to be passionately involved with the verses, not passively checking off the 'done' box that it is secure in my brain.  Sigh.  I have about the first ten verses, I think.

Overall, I think progress is being made everywhere.  How are you doing in sticking to your resolutions, if you made any?

XO,
J

Soli Deo Gloria!

A Helping Hand

I was folding laundry today (shocking, I know...especially since it's not even 10), and I asked Little Red to help me sort the bibs and the kid washcloths out from the kitchen towels and other towels. She did such a good job. After she finished, she asked if she could try.  I wasn't quite sure what she wanted to try, nor if it would be a great experience.

I got down on the floor and gave held up the small washcloth and showed her how to fold a simple square in half then in half again. She was so excited to try it! She tried my way and could not get it. I do it up in the air and fairly quickly.  I changed the way and she could do it excellently.

She sat there for probably 15 minutes laying out the little washcloths on her legs then folding them one way then another. It was super sweet. She is so determined to get it right and make them pretty, not just haphazard and however they end up.

Once she finished, she asked if she could do it all over again. By all means, Little Red! Practice away!


It's kind of a picture of us and God, isn't it? He is doing something and he gives us the opportunity to help. We don't do it very well his way, 'cause let's face it, we are not Him. Then he gives us simpler directions (or a different way altogether) and watches us with joy on his face. As we keep practicing the task that He gives us under his watchful, and correcting eye, we get better and better...until He introduces a newer, related, but harder task. Then we get to continue on in our sanctifying journey.

While it's not a perfect picture, I am grateful for my "good laundry-er" today.

XO,
J

Soli Deo Gloria!

Overwhelmed

Not so long ago, I was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. It's an anxiety disorder that basically means that how I perceive the world by my senses is out of whack from the average person. This comes out, for me, in a number of different ways - things like background noise really impairs my ability to focus, so if there's music on in the car or lots of people talking at a party, I have a hard time having conversations, it's not impossible, but it takes incredible mental effort to do so. There are other things like I have a hard time judging where my body is in space, so learning to do yoga or pilates or even dance steps is difficult and I take forever to do it.  Seriously, it took me something like 45 minutes to learn the simple grapevine!

There are a bunch of other ways I'm outta whack. Last night, though, was probably the first time since I was diagnosed that I really SAW how SPD really overwhelms my system.  Here's what happened:

I was tired from a few nights of not sleeping well, and decided to make a simple supper of roast and potatoes. It's simple 'cause I can just throw it together than toss it in the oven.  The house was heating up from the oven, and the smell from the meat cooking was pretty powerful.  The girls have been sick for a while, and where extra whiny and in tears over small things.  The majority of my senses were being assaulted, and my body was kicking into fight/flight stage - my anxiety was on the rise. The thing is, I didn't realize it. I was busy with supper and the kids and getting ready for an appointment. By the time I  ate supper I was beat. I was starting to mentally withdraw, so S graciously let me go lay down for a while. I got a little better, but still was out of sorts.
We got into our new car and things got a bit worse. Since we aren't used to the new systems, the driving wasn't as smooth as usual, so now over stimulating my vestibular system.  It was insane. When we got to where we were going, I was experiencing nausea and a tension headache from trying to keep it together while my body felt like it was under full attack.

I made it through the appointment, and back into the car. It was a better, less stimulating ride home, so I had enough capacity left to bid our friend who was watching our kids  goodbye.  After a short conversation, I was done. I was beyond done. I pulled on a super heavy hoodie and turned out the lights and went to bed, praying for my body to let go of the stress and release my head from the death which was my headache.

It was only in the car on the way home that I even clued in to what was causing all of the symptoms. Once I did I tried to the different things that you are supposed to calm your body, but I was a bit too far gone to recooperate fully.

Today, I'm still feeling the aftershocks while trying to keep the rest of our family life under control.  It's hard, but I'm thankful for the grace that God has given me and my husband to deal through this. Being diagnosed has been both the most relieving and damning thing I've experienced. It means I'm not crazy when loud noise turns to static in my head and I can't understand what's happening, it just means that my senses are overwhelmed. It also means that my body is deficient. It's a kind of handicap, really. It means I have to plan well for certain situations and avoid others (like concerts, for instance) all together.

It really reminds me, most of all, that our human condition is deficient. We need help to be whole. We might not know that we are deficient, but when we find out that we are and do the right things (ie. asking for redemptive forgiveness), life opens up in marvelous ways we never could have imagined in our previous state.

Knowing and dealing with SPD has and will be hard, but it is going to make a huge difference in my and my family's life!


If you remember, pray for us!

XO,
J

SDG

Crazy Times

Over the last two weeks things have broken in our house. Our computer (with alllll of the unbacked-up files...that eventually my dear and wonderful husband was able to recover!!!), a food processor, my Kindle, a smattering of toys, and at least a whole box worth of Cheerios.

The small things weren't so big of a deal, but the Kindle and computer really have been rough for me. We have a backup computer that I'm typing on right now, but it is obsolete, and we're not sure when the technology that we have come to appreciate and depend on will stop being compatible. My Kindle I had to do without.  S has the app on his phone, so I was able to read my chapter a day of the companion to my devotions (which was Alone with God by John MacArthur...SO SO SO GOOD!  it's about prayer...so wonderful, and now it's Shrewd by Rick Lawrence - which is also incredibly good and about the idea of being shrewd as serpents, but innocent as doves.).  BUT!  My in-laws sent me a generous gift for my birthday and I was able to replace my Kindle with an updated version.  It's been a joy to use, and I am so very grateful.

Our family has also been able to purchase a new (to us) car.  God dropped the opportunity in our laps and we took it.We've been squeezing the five of us into a Malibu. Three carseats JUST fit in the backseat- did you know that?!  ...now, God led us to a Traverse, which seats 8.  EIGHT!  So now, you can come ride with us! 

The food processor was also replaced because we never use our points accrued from our credit card, so we had a lovely amount built up and ready to be used. It's a lovely new machine that makes the creamiest peanut butter our house has ever seen.

Over the last two weeks, I saw so much brokenness, and I was frustrated and a bit dejected.  But then, God stepped in.  It was like he slapped my hand and said, "I am providing for you, can't you see?!"  and then, to prove his point he started to turn on the faucet at full blast. I've had to let go of my hold on the bottom of the valley and make a break for the surface. I have to come up for air, and with that breath, I can't help but praise.

Things still aren't super peachy in other areas, but God is kind and loving and letting us find rest in his abundance of love.


xo,
J

soli deo gloria

Birthdays!

I love birthdays.  I always have. It might have something to do with how awesome my parents are at pulling off amazing birthday parties.  We did things like (the earliest one I can remember) a ballerina one where we pinned the shoes on the ballerina...and this was before Pintrest gave its inspiring ideas!

...My last one I had when I lived at home was a beach party.  Now, the thing is, my birthday is today - JANUARY 18. We live in Canada.  While not stereotypically snowy, it was not a good day for spreading out a blanket and sun-bathing.  

Undaunted by this minor detail....my parents cranked the thermostat, pulled out all of the dinning room furniture, put up travel posters and put towels on the floor.  We had typical beach food like hotdogs and lemonade. We made 'sand castles' out of lego, watched Finding Nemo and just had a grand ol' time.

One year after I got married and we happened to be back at my parents house, my mom still threw my a birthday party.  It was a winter white party where everyone came in white - we ate all white foods and just had fun.  She even planned out crafts for us 20-somethings to do! 

I've loved birthdays because, to me, they have always been about being with people and enjoying each other.

Last night, I had the privilege of having a few women over to celebrate with me. We were a diverse group, but with Jesus in common. It was such a blessing to me to look around at these woman and know they were my sisters. We had a great time, laughing, eating, and drinking tea! 

It's grand to me to know that one birthday (and death and resurrection) really made last night possible. I love birthdays! Don't you??


XO,
J

soli deo gloria

Antsy

So, I did make my resolutions, as you read in my last post...but. 

ugh.  I am having SUCH a hard time with them. A whole year to memorize one book?!  Seems like much too much time, so I'm procrastinating.  Sure I have a few verses under my belt, but I'm thinking of making it a bit more of a challenge so I don't just procrastinate it to death. 

...and the other one, finishing at least one of my books.  Well, that's going alright, except that instead of one of my books, I've been working feverishly  on short stories. So by the end of this year I might just have a compilation of unconnected ideas pushed out into short stories.

I've also added to my resolutions, unannounced, until now:
Read at least 52 books.  That is one a week. 

The last one is going quite well, or I should say WAS.  My kindle wanted to see if it could fly.  If it would have asked me, instead of experimenting off of the kitchen counter I could have saved it from the death blow, but alas, it was not to be.   I have an app on S's phone, but he's at work during the day. Shoot.  This puts a damper on this resolution.  I've already decided to get another kindle, but funds must be raised (if you want to help me do this, join swagbucks here - and for ever 10 points you get, I get 1 !  hooray! ....no worries if you don't want to). 

Anyway the list so far:
1. Rising Storm by Richard Castle (actually, not by Castle, as he, himself is a fictitious character, but if you watch Castle....you'd know that)
2 The Shunned House by H. P. Lovecraft


Hooray for 2 for 2 weeks!  I have something like 4 others on the go, so I'm not too worried about finishing this one up.


But, now on to my title: I am antsy. With the lack of solid goals and changing of others, I'm finding myself just....antsy. 

How do YOU deal with New Year Angst?

XO,
J

soli deo gloria!